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Saturday, January 20, 2007

How To Make a Fool of Yourself On American Idol

Here’s how you, too, can be one of the thousands of people every year who get the opportunity to make fools of themselves in front of the entire country!

For the past six seasons, American Idol has held cattle calls open auditions in select cities around the United States. It has been estimated that most people have 26 seconds to learn the judge’s opinion about their talent. If Randy, Paula, and Simon work 10 hours a day during auditions, they might hear 1,200 people. Those are some daunting odds. To help you make the most of that time—and tip the odds more in your favor—I’m going to help you by giving you this list of hacks and cheats:

  1. Don’t practice—Or, if you must practice, do it only in the shower. Never use a vocal coach or singing teacher. Never practice with a microphone so you can hear yourself when played back, and absolutely, positively, never ever practice with a video camera to hear and see what you look like.

    Bonus corollary tip: Forgetting the lyrics is never a reason to forget going to Hollywood.

  2. Looks are a substitute for talent—Crazy hairstyles, lots of tattoos, and piercings will help make a good first impression on the judges, and help you stand out in their memories from the thousands of other contestants. God gave us all seven holes in our heads, and typical Idol finalists have added a few more.

    Bonus corollary tip: The judges love props, wigs, hats, and fancy costumes, and Simon would never make fun of such things.

  3. Family and friends are authorities to judge your true talent—Always trust family members, close friends, and your fellow church members to give you the unbiased truth about your singing skills.

    Bonus corollary tip: There’s no need to have an established fan base. Everyone watching the show already loves you.

  4. Sing an obvious song—Pick a song…any of the recent top hit songs will do. Of course, the more it was edited and processed in the recording studio, the better! Especially any songs where the artist no longer sounds like themselves, it doesn’t matter, because you’re such a great singer, you’ll sound just like the recording with no backup band!

    Bonus corollary tip 1: Don’t worry about how your song sounds a capella.

    Bonus corollary tip 2: Guys should sing songs by girl groups (like the Pussycat Dolls), and girls do well singing songs by guys (like Michael Jackson).

  5. Make American Idol your virgin audition—No need to have ever gotten over beginner’s cold feet, nervousness and jitters at a school musical, church choir, or community theater event, let alone getting a part first. Just go for it on national television!

    Bonus corollary tip: Choose the song you’re going to sing the previous day, better yet, that morning.

  6. American Idol is looking for all styles of music—Randy, Paula, and Simon love all styles of music, from rap to opera. Don’t limit your audition to the song styles that have gotten previous contestants through to the next level.

    Bonus corollary tip: Never have a backup song from a different genre prepared ahead of time. Doing that would make you look prepared and organized…definite no-no’s.

  7. Stage presence and showmanship are things you’re born with—No need to have ever performed on stage before, much less with a microphone and PA system where the speakers and acoustics make your voice echo. Also, long time band experience is useless in proving your talent, commitment, and interest in performing music. Remember, the deer-in-the-headlights looks makes great footage!

    Bonus corollary tip: Showing what a big ego you have wins points with the judges and the audience at home, who will be voting for you later. Even with such great odds stacked against you, walk into the audition planning on winning.

  8. Don’t worry about knowing who your singing inspiration is—No need to know the names of any past finalists that you sound like. Hey, no need to have even watched any episodes from past seasons!

  9. Ignore the rules and be a poor loser—Even though the American Idol release form warns contestants that they are opening themselves up “to public ridicule, humiliation, and condemnation,” don’t worry about it. Swearing at the camera, and questioning the judges sanity and intelligence makes great footage for Idol’s 37+ million viewers!

Follow these rules to the letter, and I’ll see you during the blooper reel auditions for next season’s American Idol!

» Posted by AKM at 11:27 PM (ET)
Category: Idiot of the Moment


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