Wednesday, August 16, 2006
This Is Why Airport Security Is a Joke
George Carlin wasn’t just being funny in his bit about airport security. Airport security is a joke (and not a very good joke, at that). Want proof?
[In spite of] a high level of alert at British airports, a 12-year-old boy managed to board a plane at Gatwick without a passport, ticket or boarding pass.
If moronic security staff can’t keep a pre-teen kid off a plane—smack during the middle of one of the largest security stranglehold in British airport history—that sounds like undeniable proof to me that the process for airport security is a complete and utter waste of time. And don’t forget the news that came out claiming that most airport scanning devices can’t detect many types of explosive gels that might be hidden in shoe soles, anyway. If that’s true, then why the hell are liquids banned? I’ll tell you why—because idiot, clueless passengers feel good for this illusion of safety.
The text of Carlin’s airport security monologue is after the jump. If you’ve heard it or don’t like his style, feel free to not continue.
George Carlin on Airport Security:
I’m getting tired of all this security at the airport. There’s too much of it. I’m tired of some underpaid kid with a double-digit IQ rooting’ around inside my bag for no reason and never finding anything. The whole thing is ****ing pointless. And it’s completely without logic. There’s no logic at all. They’ll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife! Well, what the **** is that? In fact, there’s a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chain saw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they’d say to you is, “That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.
And if you didn’t take a weapon on board, relax. After you’ve been flying for about an hour, they’re gonna bring you a knife and fork! They actually give you a ****ing knife! It’s only a table knife—but you could kill a pilot with a table knife.
Anyone can get on an airplane and I’ll tell you why. They know they are not a security risk because they have answered the three big questions.
“Did you pack your bags yourself?”
“No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four way ‘round the world’, and then they packed my bags.
“Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?”
“No. Usually the night before I travel—just as the moon is rising—I place my bags out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck.
“Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?”
“Well, what exactly is an ‘unknown person’? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Youssef Ali ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.”
Airport security is a stupid idea, it’s a waste of money, and it’s there for only one reason: to make white people feel safe! That’s all it’s for. To provide a feeling, an illusion, of safety in order to placate the middle class. Because the authorities know they can’t make airplanes safe; too many people have access. You’ll notice the drug smugglers don’t seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they? No, and God bless them, too!
And by the way, an airplane flight shouldn’t be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life. Take a ****ing chance, will ya? What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? What, are you gonna read People magazine and eat at Wendy’s ’til the end of time? Take a ****ing chance.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people—Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalist, and just plain guys from Montana—are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. That’s the reality.
Angry men talkin’ to god on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually gonna provide us with a great deal of entertainment. Especially after your stupid ****ing economy collapses all around you, the terrorists come out of the woodwork. And you’ll have anthrax in the water supply and sarin gas in the air conditioners; there’ll be chemical and biological suitcase-bombs in every city.
As far as I’m concerned, all of this airport security—the cameras, the questions, the screenings, the searches—is just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can **** with you anytime they want. Because that’s the way Americans are now. They’re willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling—the illusion—of security.
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